More Feelings...

I was thinking about our feelings as a caboose after yesterday's post, and it's a nice picture: Casually drifting down the train track, following the engine like a good little caboose should.  But then I pictured my ol' Iquana, Chianna. Her tail, it didn't always JUST follow.  

A good portion of the time it did. It helped her balance as she climbed around.  Helped her steer a little when she swam.  But when she got angry or scared, that tail came around and snapped you like a bull whip.  Made me think of all the times my feelings have gotten heated and snapped up and lashed out at someone or something. Not at all like a good little caboose following down the tracks!

My second son is an avid reader of the book of Ecclesiastes.  I have lost track of how many times he has read through the book.  Whether he knows it or not, he's been a HUGE example of diligent Bible Study and digging into God's Wisdom and then applying it.  There are times I think he's raising me!  My good friend and I agree that there are many times we look at our children and think, "I want to be like them when I grow up."  I digress, but am just so thankful that our children go to God first with their questions and doubts and aren't afraid to trust him not only with their eternity, but with their everyday, here and now.

Anyway, with this example of reading these particular scriptures, I find myself in Proverbs often and sometimes Ecclesiastes myself. There is such wisdom in simple yet profound statements.  Encouraging while disciplining.  Celebrating while warning. But in regards to our feelings getting out of line at times and lashing out to snap us or others: I find countless times in Proverbs where fools let their tongues and feelings get the better of them.  

They fall to lustful temptations.  Are entrapped by laziness. Sucked into disaster by other's selfishness.  All because their feelings run the show.  They end up with destroyed lives, poverty stricken, the laughing stock of all.

And then I bounce out to the New Testament in Matthew 26.  Peter, lovely Peter, is hyped up on energy and feelings, and declares, "Even if everyone falls away because of you, I will never fall away!....Even if I have to die with you, I will never deny you!"  

It's the evening meal, they've just finished the "Last Supper" where Christ has given the example of the ordinance of Communion, they go out and pray in the garden at night, guards come at night with Judas, and take Jesus for questioning.  Now I know roosters don't only crow in the morning, but they generally do not crow throughout the night. And Peter finds himself doing exactly what Christ said he would do at the crack of dawn when that rooster is crowing.  Twelve hours maybe, since he declared his emotionally, feeling-laced words of commitment.   Mere hours to denying Christ.  Letting his feelings rule over him.  Confused. Scared. Angry. Letting his feelings snap out and rule for a time.  

Can you imagine how much that must have hurt when the rooster crowed?!

Matthew 26:74b-75 "Immediately a rooster crowed, and Peter remembered the words Jesus had spoken, "Before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times." and he went outside and WEPT BITTERLY.

Letting his feelings rule the moment made him look a fool as he staunchly declared "he would never!" and crushed him when he realized he "just did".  

I have been there far more times that I ever want to admit.  The hurt could be to myself, my family, my friends, my testimony of Christ, and the list goes on and on.  But there's hope in Peter's story.  He learned to reign those feelings in.  Take them captive. And if you read the book of Acts (DO IT!) you see that what Christ says about Peter in Matthew 16:17-19:

"Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, because flesh and blood did not reveal this to you, but my Father in heaven. And I also say to you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overpower it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will have been loosed in heaven."

The church WAS built on the testimony that Peter declared in Matthew.  Ironically, this testimony that Peter is declaring in Matthew is ten chapters before his actions in the courtyard when he denies he has ever even met Christ.  Our feelings can lash out and wipe us out, cause us pain and suffering, but they don't always have to be the total demise of us.  Peter would come back strong and stand by that testimony that he declared in Matthew 16 time and time again and build Christ's church not on his feelings but on the truth and facts of WHO Jesus is.

Ever head off on the "wrong" track?

I wrote a post recently.  Went TOTALLY away from my initial train of thought and never remembered to wrap that train back around the track and come back to it.  So, what's a girl to do, but make another post!

I was writing about being home in our "recent" (we moved two years ago) church family and the feelings I felt took to get there.  Thankful that God was faithful through my looking back and didn't turn me into a pillar of salt!

This may or may not come as a big surprise, but sometimes, our "feelings" can't be trusted.  I spent almost two years not "feeling" at home where God had put us.  But God had clearly brought us exactly where we were to be and I had to set those feelings aside.  It wasn't always comfortable.  It wasn't always fun.  Mix in a lot of life that happened in year two of this life change to toss some more questions of "what on earth is going on!?"  I have asked, "What the bajeebers!?" to God more than a dozen times.

But through the times of questioning those feelings I had to rest hard on the fact that God had us:  Had us where He wanted us. Had us where we belonged. And he simply HAD us.  Regardless how I "felt" in the moments, I had to trust that it was where and how we belonged. My feelings about the issue had to sit in the co-pilot seat, simply along for the ride.

How often do we have to take our feelings and remind ourselves that feelings don't drive the train.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I subscribe to a firm belief that when God says "Do", you "Do".  And you keep "doing" until he tells you otherwise.  Two and a half years ago we were doing the dos, but our feelings weren't "feeling" it.  Many nights of disenchanted conversations, confusion, and questions.  But never a clear word that we were anywhere other than where God had us "doing" for the past twenty years.  

So we didn't move, kept doing the things regardless how the feelings felt. About six months later and God said "Move and do this."  Ironically, it was shocking in the moment, but we didn't waste time in doing what God said and made the move and started doing the things.  It is almost always easier to see the plan when you look back. And it sure is exciting to be able to look back and see the testimony of an All Knowing, All Powerful, Loving God at work.  Doesn't always "feel" so good in the moments of course.

Now, I've gone from feeling wrong with the staying, making a relatively big change, and then feeling wrong in the new.  Our feelings are such finicky things, which is why we strive to always let them trail behind as a caboose.  And focusing on the steadying arms of God while in the questions.

I referenced the Israelites recently and their doubts and whining in the desert.  It's comforting to see Joshua and Caleb who surface the first time God sends them into Canaan at Moses' command and start scoping it out-seeing all the things God is planning to provide them with when they simply obey.  But the majority of that team come back just-a-whining and scared of all the "what ifs".  God said I'm going to move and you get to be a part of this!  And they let their feelings put a kibosh to the entire thing. Did they stop God, thwart his plans, make him unable to carry out his plan?  Absolutely not, but he certainly wasn't going to bless them if they weren't going to trust him when he said act.  

Caleb, who was part of that first scouting party Moses sent in to check it out, was 40 years old that first trip in.  He gave an honest report of the land and it's bounty while the rest of the spies "caused the people to lose heart"  

Caleb says in Joshua 14:7-10 "I was forty years old when Moses the Lord's servant sent me from Kadesh-barnea to scout the land, and I brought back an honest report. My brothers who went with me caused the people to lose heart, but I followed the Lord my God completely. On that day Moses swore to me, "The land where you have set foot will be an inheritance for you and your descendants forever, because you have followed the Lord my God completely."  As you see, the Lord has kept me alive these forty-five years as he promised, since the Lord spoke this word to Moses while Israel was journeying in the wilderness. Here I am today, eight-five years old."

Forty years old when he was given a God command.  Followed it. Trusted in God regardless what others were doing.  Had to "stay put" because that was the action God gave next. And forty-five years later he gets the reward.  If you go on to read the rest of the chapter (just read the entire book!) Caleb is "still as strong today as (he) was the day Moses sent (him) out.". Dude was as strong at eighty-five as he was at forty!  

Would he have been blessed like this if he followed his feelings? Let them rule his life for forty-five years while wandering with the "most pleasant of non-whining, obedient, uplifting" group of individuals? (PLEASE sense my sarcasm here!) I am sure not.  Faithfulness is always rewarded.  May not be on our timeline, may not always "feel good" in the moment.  But obedience and faithfulness are the actions I intend to always chase after.  And GO where God says to "get going", and DO when he says "get doing"

Home

I wanted to feel at home.  I really did.  At times I felt like I was finally getting there. And then I wouldn't.

As I was sitting listening to music that my husband is leading the church family in singing worship tomorrow, I realized I was truly feeling home!

Change is hard, very hard.  Even when it's for the best and it's a good change, we look back with longing so often.  Example? Israelites in the desert heading away from Egypt, "why can't we go back.....?" with a whine and a foot stomp. 

Exodus 16:3 The Israelites said to them, “If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by pots of meat and ate all the bread we wanted. Instead, you brought us into this wilderness to make this whole assembly die of hunger!”

What the bajeebers!?  Two months after they were pulled out of slavery, miraculously given a dry path THRU a sea, watched as their would-be captures were demolished, provided clear. safe water, and led to an oasis; they are whining and asking why they didn't just stay in slavery-"we had bread!". (I like a good bread, but was the bread really that good?!)

Two years ago my husband and I were in a struggle.  We had unanswered questions and knew a change was needed, but couldn't figure out where, how, or what God was telling us.  We just knew we had been unsettled for months and something was going to break.   

Within a whirlwind of a few months we were in a new church family.  Exactly where God was directing us, but, as is human nature and a little bit of Lot's wife's nature in me, turning to look back-a lot.  Thankfully God didn't turn me into a pillar of salt!  

I remember standing in church, supposedly worshiping in song, but more questioning where I was.  I questioned if I belonged. I questioned the size of the church.  Questioned the people. Questioned the location. Questioned and looked back-a lot. 

God had placed us exactly where we belonged, provided us with everything our family needed and would come to need and I had the audacity to question him. Like the Israelites complaining about manna and all of God's provisions and protection he provided time and time again.  

I have gone through stages of feeling totally ashamed of the trail of thoughts my mind has gone on: questioning God's authority, provision, and plans for my family and myself.  So thankful that regardless of me, GOD still works amazing things!

Btw: "Bajeebers" is a very technical, expressive word-regardless of what my husband says. 

Song that the hubby is leading tomorrow: Awake My Soul