I wanted to feel at home. I really did. At times I felt like I was finally getting there. And then I wouldn't.
As I was sitting listening to music that my husband is leading the church family in singing worship tomorrow, I realized I was truly feeling home!
Change is hard, very hard. Even when it's for the best and it's a good change, we look back with longing so often. Example? Israelites in the dessert heading away from Egypt, "why can't we go back.....?" with a whine and a foot stomp.
Exodus 16:3 The Israelites said to them, “If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in the land of Egypt, when we sat by pots of meat and ate all the bread we wanted. Instead, you brought us into this wilderness to make this whole assembly die of hunger!”
What the bajeebers!? Two months after they were pulled out of slavery, miraculously given a dry path THRU a sea, watched as their would-be captures were demolished, provided clear. safe water, and led to an oasis; they are whining and asking why they didn't just stay in slavery-"we had bread!". (I like a good bread, but was the bread really that good?!)
Two years ago my husband and I were in a struggle. We had unanswered questions and knew a change was needed, but couldn't figure out where, how, or what God was telling us. We just knew we had been unsettled for months and something was going to break.
Within a whirlwind of a few months we were in a new church family. Exactly where God was directing us, but, as is human nature and a little bit of Lot's wife's nature in me, turning to look back-a lot. Thankfully God didn't turn me into a pillar of salt!
I remember standing in church, supposedly worshiping in song, but more questioning where I was. I questioned if I belonged. I questioned the size of the church. Questioned the people. Questioned the location. Questioned and looked back-a lot
God had placed us exactly where we belonged, provided us with everything our family needed and would come to need and I had the audacity to question him. Like the Israelites complaining about manna and all of God's provisions and protection he provided time and time again.
I have gone through stages of feeling totally ashamed of the trail of thoughts my mind has gone on: questioning God's authority, provision, and plans for my family and myself. So thankful that regardless of me, GOD still works amazing things!
Btw: "Bajeebers" is a very technical, expressive word-regardless of what my husband says.
Song that the hubby is leading tomorrow: Awake My Soul
